Clueful
Who am I? Who do I want to be? "Lost boy" is who I am. I'm about the most clueless person you can meet. I don't know what I'll do with my life. And you know why? I guess it can be Erikson's identity crisis, yeah, I'm having a very bad case of it if that is the case. Writing? Yeah I can write. My dad seems to think so too. But I kind of suck. Sometimes. No, all the time. See? I don't know. I'm just vomiting words, again. I write like everybody else. The most defeating thing I see is when I finish a paper, with a lot of effort, a lot of misery - staying up late and being hyper stressed physiologically as some examples - but then I see other people's work and my own becomes less than mediocre. Like, do you actually enjoy reading this right now? Is it even possible? I'd be surprised. Because I'm disgusted at this. But it helps me feel good. At least I write without grammar mistakes and spelling disasters. I mean, not as much as the worst I've seen. But it's nothing special, is it.
Ok, I'm done doing that. What I really wanted to put down is simply a note to myself. A much more reasonable, legit, non-cliché/bullshit one than the stupid "letter to my future self" I wrote in that totally BS "dev. psych." class. When I opened that, in AP Psych. this year, all I felt was an urge to puke. It was really disgusting stuff, it really was. I sound like Holden Caulfield. There I go again.
I need to find my direction. My passion. Interest. For real. That's it! Everyone is born with an innate ability or interest they're meant for (not necessarily determined at birth, because scientific psychology disproves it, but it's a nice way to think of it). Yes, every healthy baby has something to give in their future. The key is finding that thing, which is the hardest thing to do, probably in life. It's what I feel right now, possibly due to adolescent angst and identity/role confusion, but since Dad confessed that he still feels this way today after 40 years, maybe it is universal. Personality tests, aptitude exams, interest finder, career pathways...these are all tools to help. I've tried all of them, believe me. I'm still the most clueless person you'll ever meet. Sure, I'll answer the question with "business". But just as the college night consultants all said, that's a broad topic. It's still something, sure. Something anyone would choose when they don't know what else to choose, for the money! Oh, it's good because you can make money, and money is necessary to the lives of all people. Yeah, of course, who doesn't want money? The real people who reject it most likely have something else in mind, another field they're actually worked up about, and know its benefits and truly cares for it. Uh, I don't feel that way about business, if that's what choosing a college major is. I'm not spending my free time looking up videos and websites and books about economics and stocks and the meaning of all the types of mortgage loans and whatever. I don't take those classes, for good reason. They never appealed to me and called out excitedly to my heart like organic chemistry did. Okay, I'm kidding because chemistry didn't exactly do that either. But I do find it more exciting-sounding. I would usually change that to another phrasing because of its awkwardness but again, I'm just jotting down my thoughts. Beautiful. So then, why did I think I like business for so long? Well, I'm fond of suit and ties, if you ask. I think it's the emblem of manhood. That sounds stupid but everything is kept real here. I probably won't publish this. My phone has been vibrating, or "displaying haptic responses", as the new iPhone 7s have come to call them. No, not 7S. I'm not ignorant enough. Maybe it should've been 7's. Whatever, that's another topic, to be investigated another time. Let me just finish this up. So, self-help books. 7 habits of highly effective people. Keeping it real. Yeah, entrepreneurship has the most potential to be great. After all, you are your own boss, and nothing can stop you from becoming great. But it's not for everybody, again, for good reason. I've been faking this creativity/leadership for quite a while, I think. Rejecting the sciences for being too popular among Asians and trying to be different by focusing on whatever arts and leadership and community service, things that seemed to lack. Back then, anyway. Everyone probably has some now. And I didn't even work on my visual arts, which I could be real fine at. I just got interrupted by my brother, to whom I do not wish to show this crap. Just kidding, it's not really crap. Just too random of thoughts to be worthy of examination.
Dad had a little casual talk with me. Usually talks like this end up serious, like the ones about organizing community service and all that obligatory stuff. (He just came in and I had to switch tabs again to my AP Psychology webpage, standard "study cover" to hide other stuff I'm not supposed to be doing. For once, in a long time, there was no tension. I was doing around a billion things wrong, yet I felt no cognitive dissonance or whatever it should be called. Not cog. diss. I know that for sure. What I meant was, I had my headphones on, like I'm listening to music, which I'm not supposed to do while doing homework because it's obviously distracting. I admit it. But he did not comment on it.) The talk was easy and meaningful. He said that the 3 things I must think about when pondering what to do in life are: meaning, purpose, and, what was the third one, I forgot at the moment. But anyway, things along that line are the important ones to think about. And so, I want to actually stop faking it til I make it. Because even if I make it, I won't be satisfied or happy. And it's hard to get even close to making it. Deca, for example - I know people who put their lives into it, and some are truly enthusiastic about it I'm sure, but others like me are just there in hopes of getting an impressive award, or trying to like it and gain something out of it in the process. I tend to like that when doing anything in the world. But it didn't really happen. After coming back from States back in March with a little silver medal, I felt like I didn't learn much. All I did, I wasted 4 school days watching teammates play Wii, practicing (aka wasting my captain's time) vainly without getting any better, and missing all the schoolwork. True, lots of people went on the trip and missed school like me, but I think the impact on me was the most disastrous. I almost failed trig! Anyway, to think I still want to run for an officer position next year. What the phüq? Maybe I still will. I'll see. I need to know what kind of person I actually am. I don't want to be missing out on all the things I would enjoy, and instead pursuing meaningless "interests" that don't even interest me. Hey, this stuff should've been clear two years ago. I'm still struggling with it. But I need not to feel bad for myself, because Morrie and Mitch had told me so. Not that I blindly follow advice, or Truth, in this case - but I really do believe they were right. I just need to consider the possibility that many others are in the same situation I'm in. Ha, the This is Water concept can be applied in more than one way, other than becoming more compassionate. Speaking of that, I'll be practicing tomorrow morning and afternoon for the State championships in Forensics. Yes, I'm reciting This is Water, one of my favorite pieces - or is it just because others deemed it the best commencement speech --my favorite genre, for real-- of all time - at the competition. Doubling it as an opportunity almost like a mission to deliver what I believe to be an important message may not have been a good idea, but I'll follow my heart on this one. English and Psychology should be my favorite subjects, yet they have declined because I'm putting less energy into them. What a shame. What a waste. See, I don't want to be like a stupid employee or something else that is a complete waste of my ability. You might diss me off as a dumb immature naïve kid who doesn't know the sky height and the earth girth (Chinese saying, meaning I haven't seen the world), but I really do believe that working a bank teller or hotel receptionist or restaurant waiter job is a waste. Ok, I think that's enough ramblings for one day. That could've been the end of my English caesura project last year, and I would've gotten 100 if I just revised it a little and get honesty points. But I did more for that. That's who I am. Hey look, I have a better idea now.
I spent the last 30 minutes which should've been spent on finishing the psych test on writing this stuff. No regrets though. APs cannot be nearly as important as finding the meaning of life. But it certainly is more important than watching meme songs, which is what I did the past week.
Ok, I'm done doing that. What I really wanted to put down is simply a note to myself. A much more reasonable, legit, non-cliché/bullshit one than the stupid "letter to my future self" I wrote in that totally BS "dev. psych." class. When I opened that, in AP Psych. this year, all I felt was an urge to puke. It was really disgusting stuff, it really was. I sound like Holden Caulfield. There I go again.
I need to find my direction. My passion. Interest. For real. That's it! Everyone is born with an innate ability or interest they're meant for (not necessarily determined at birth, because scientific psychology disproves it, but it's a nice way to think of it). Yes, every healthy baby has something to give in their future. The key is finding that thing, which is the hardest thing to do, probably in life. It's what I feel right now, possibly due to adolescent angst and identity/role confusion, but since Dad confessed that he still feels this way today after 40 years, maybe it is universal. Personality tests, aptitude exams, interest finder, career pathways...these are all tools to help. I've tried all of them, believe me. I'm still the most clueless person you'll ever meet. Sure, I'll answer the question with "business". But just as the college night consultants all said, that's a broad topic. It's still something, sure. Something anyone would choose when they don't know what else to choose, for the money! Oh, it's good because you can make money, and money is necessary to the lives of all people. Yeah, of course, who doesn't want money? The real people who reject it most likely have something else in mind, another field they're actually worked up about, and know its benefits and truly cares for it. Uh, I don't feel that way about business, if that's what choosing a college major is. I'm not spending my free time looking up videos and websites and books about economics and stocks and the meaning of all the types of mortgage loans and whatever. I don't take those classes, for good reason. They never appealed to me and called out excitedly to my heart like organic chemistry did. Okay, I'm kidding because chemistry didn't exactly do that either. But I do find it more exciting-sounding. I would usually change that to another phrasing because of its awkwardness but again, I'm just jotting down my thoughts. Beautiful. So then, why did I think I like business for so long? Well, I'm fond of suit and ties, if you ask. I think it's the emblem of manhood. That sounds stupid but everything is kept real here. I probably won't publish this. My phone has been vibrating, or "displaying haptic responses", as the new iPhone 7s have come to call them. No, not 7S. I'm not ignorant enough. Maybe it should've been 7's. Whatever, that's another topic, to be investigated another time. Let me just finish this up. So, self-help books. 7 habits of highly effective people. Keeping it real. Yeah, entrepreneurship has the most potential to be great. After all, you are your own boss, and nothing can stop you from becoming great. But it's not for everybody, again, for good reason. I've been faking this creativity/leadership for quite a while, I think. Rejecting the sciences for being too popular among Asians and trying to be different by focusing on whatever arts and leadership and community service, things that seemed to lack. Back then, anyway. Everyone probably has some now. And I didn't even work on my visual arts, which I could be real fine at. I just got interrupted by my brother, to whom I do not wish to show this crap. Just kidding, it's not really crap. Just too random of thoughts to be worthy of examination.
Dad had a little casual talk with me. Usually talks like this end up serious, like the ones about organizing community service and all that obligatory stuff. (He just came in and I had to switch tabs again to my AP Psychology webpage, standard "study cover" to hide other stuff I'm not supposed to be doing. For once, in a long time, there was no tension. I was doing around a billion things wrong, yet I felt no cognitive dissonance or whatever it should be called. Not cog. diss. I know that for sure. What I meant was, I had my headphones on, like I'm listening to music, which I'm not supposed to do while doing homework because it's obviously distracting. I admit it. But he did not comment on it.) The talk was easy and meaningful. He said that the 3 things I must think about when pondering what to do in life are: meaning, purpose, and, what was the third one, I forgot at the moment. But anyway, things along that line are the important ones to think about. And so, I want to actually stop faking it til I make it. Because even if I make it, I won't be satisfied or happy. And it's hard to get even close to making it. Deca, for example - I know people who put their lives into it, and some are truly enthusiastic about it I'm sure, but others like me are just there in hopes of getting an impressive award, or trying to like it and gain something out of it in the process. I tend to like that when doing anything in the world. But it didn't really happen. After coming back from States back in March with a little silver medal, I felt like I didn't learn much. All I did, I wasted 4 school days watching teammates play Wii, practicing (aka wasting my captain's time) vainly without getting any better, and missing all the schoolwork. True, lots of people went on the trip and missed school like me, but I think the impact on me was the most disastrous. I almost failed trig! Anyway, to think I still want to run for an officer position next year. What the phüq? Maybe I still will. I'll see. I need to know what kind of person I actually am. I don't want to be missing out on all the things I would enjoy, and instead pursuing meaningless "interests" that don't even interest me. Hey, this stuff should've been clear two years ago. I'm still struggling with it. But I need not to feel bad for myself, because Morrie and Mitch had told me so. Not that I blindly follow advice, or Truth, in this case - but I really do believe they were right. I just need to consider the possibility that many others are in the same situation I'm in. Ha, the This is Water concept can be applied in more than one way, other than becoming more compassionate. Speaking of that, I'll be practicing tomorrow morning and afternoon for the State championships in Forensics. Yes, I'm reciting This is Water, one of my favorite pieces - or is it just because others deemed it the best commencement speech --my favorite genre, for real-- of all time - at the competition. Doubling it as an opportunity almost like a mission to deliver what I believe to be an important message may not have been a good idea, but I'll follow my heart on this one. English and Psychology should be my favorite subjects, yet they have declined because I'm putting less energy into them. What a shame. What a waste. See, I don't want to be like a stupid employee or something else that is a complete waste of my ability. You might diss me off as a dumb immature naïve kid who doesn't know the sky height and the earth girth (Chinese saying, meaning I haven't seen the world), but I really do believe that working a bank teller or hotel receptionist or restaurant waiter job is a waste. Ok, I think that's enough ramblings for one day. That could've been the end of my English caesura project last year, and I would've gotten 100 if I just revised it a little and get honesty points. But I did more for that. That's who I am. Hey look, I have a better idea now.
I spent the last 30 minutes which should've been spent on finishing the psych test on writing this stuff. No regrets though. APs cannot be nearly as important as finding the meaning of life. But it certainly is more important than watching meme songs, which is what I did the past week.
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